Mosaic Piece Thief

Since the beginning of the first year, the second semester of my PhD, I stopped procrastinating. I was working 8 hours, and sometimes more, with a kronometer, 8 hours of sleep, and 8 hours left for myself. 

While trying to spend those 8 hours alone, I realized I forgot to be me, ideally. Of course, it is still me! But not completely. I was too worried. 

I was too worried about completing my undergrad first on time since I went to an exchange program, seven classes per semester, crying over financial derivatives and fixed-income securities... 

I was too worried about not getting accepted into any finance PhD program. I was so worried that I lost 8 kilograms within one month. 

I was too worried about going to the U.S. (or cannot be able to go to the U.S.), not being enough for the program, failing courses, leaving my ex-boyfriend behind, not seeing my mom and my family for a year... I was too worried about calling my friends every week; I was too concerned about losing them. 

I sold my mountain bike, left my classical guitar 'Petunia' behind, and got rid of my trail running shoes I ran half marathon with since they were old anyway! I did not even bring a coat or boots to the U.S. 

After dreaming of coming to the finance Ph.D. program in my high school years, I was too worried that I would not be happy. 

I was so happy last year; I did it; I loved it. After spending those days in the U.S., I cannot believe how much I felt that I belonged where I was. I want to stay in this research environment and do finance research until I die. It is my jam. After some meetings and seeing some results, I feel like I was born to do finance research.

When you feel this way, you want to spend all those hours you should spend with yourself by reading about your research. No, I did not feel burnout at all. I do not feel stressed. I enjoy it a lot. 

Still, I miss being myself. Of course, these concerns made me go away from myself, but at the same time, there was one thing, too. I became a 'mosaic piece thief.' One of my value propositions is you can do anything with me. Do you want to run a marathon? Let's try tomorrow morning. Do you want to travel to Japan? Let me check the ticket prices. Are you doing karate? Okay, let me join you! This is one of my value propositions; we can party till 6 am, and then we can go for a half marathon. 

I had so many pieces in me that I even forgot about my pieces. 

I was a hiking, trail running, mountain cyclist, classical guitar lover girl. I used to be a huge fan of Radiohead, but nowadays listen crap mostly. Loves bass guitar sound, loves blues, acoustic stuff more than party songs. 

It is nice to have those mosaic pieces in moderation, I guess. But, still, I feel like we need to stick to who we are. It may be impossible to be only one person. Perhaps we are supposed to change. 

Still, I do not want to change because of those mosaic pieces I collected; I want to change because I wanted to change. 

I do not own a guitar or bike in the U.S. 

I still run, but not consistently. I used to sign up for half marathons back then.

I had a Turkish blog that I wrote regularly, but now it is far from regular. 

I cannot recognize myself. Who am I? This reminds me of Slyvia Path's following quote: 

"'I act and react, and suddenly I wonder, 'Where is the girl that I was last year? Two years ago? What would she think of me now?'"

Only one thing has not changed since the day I started to think: I do not want to be someone else. I want to be me. 

I do not want to be made up of mosaic pieces; I want to be a whole mosaic.